Top 5 Recent NFL Celebrations

We're a quarter of the way through the NFL season and when you look at the blogosphere it seems like all of the NFL celebration top ten lists are hopelessly out-of-date.

                                              Vinny Greenballs can dance if he wants to   (c/o The Onion)

And while we may not have the iconic celebrations of yesteryear such as the Mile High Salute, Dirty Bird, or Ickey Shuffle, it's about time the rest of society gets up to speed on NFL on-field celebrations.  It's time to turn the page, people, Ochocino and TO are not walking through that door.


#5 

Aaron Hernandez Makes It Rain On Dem Hos

Back in 2006, Terror Squad kingpin and former member of DITC Fat Joe put out an album called "Me, Myself, And I".  It was actually a pretty underrated album, it didn't sell well and didn't get great reviews from critics, but one thing that made it stand out was the Scott Storch-produced single featuring Lil Wayne on the chorus called "Make It Rain".

Much like Joe's previous hit "Lean Back", (also produced by Storch) "Make It Rain" introduced the world to a new, incredibly simple dance move.  Whilst the "Lean Back" combo of "pulling up your pants" and "leaning back" seems like it couldn't possibly be topped as the laziest dance of all time you're gonna have to remember that we're dealing with a guy who has "fat" right there in his rap name.  The "Make It Rain" dance isn't really a dance at all, but a pantomime, in which the performer holds their hands high over their head, and then confidently swat them across each other. The implication here is that one hand is holding a large stack of money, while the other hand carelessly fans the bills and releases them into the air, where they then "rain" down to the stage on which a stripper is doing something impressive enough to inspire such a careless disposal of one's earnings.


Fast forward to 2010, the New England Patriots draft Florida Tight End Aaron Hernandez in the 4th round of the draft.  Hernandez would probably have gone in the top 2 except he got busted smoking pot and failed a couple of drug tests.  This didn't bother the Pats, and after having drafted Arizona Tight End Rob Gronkowski in the second round, they suddenly had themselves a two-headed monster at tight end, and in turn, a two-headed monster of end zone celebrations.

Gronkowski keeps it simple.  "Cross goal line - Spike Ball Angrily"  and it's effective, but while Gronk might have had better numbers last season, when it comes to end zone antics Hernandez is the clear winner.  His variations such as digging up the stash, and opening the safe before making it rain make this choice and easy one.

#4 The Choppa City Juke - Chris Johnson, Jacoby Jones, Mike Sims-Walker

The Choppa City Juke's true origins are a bit of a mystery.  While "Choppa City" is generally associated with New Orleans, there are Floridians who vehemently claim the Choppa City Juke to be a product of the Sunshine State.

Cash Money artists BG and the "Chopper City Boyz" both brought the term into national hip hop lexicons, but none have taken credit for the Juke.

We don't dance......often

Regardless of where it came from, one thing is certain, and that is when a football player gets in the end zone and performs the Choppa City Juke, you're going to watch.  If you have a DVR, you'll rewind and watch it again.  You will likely then attempt to do it, and your friends will make fun of you.  And they will totally have a case, as it's hard to look cool performing a dance move that brings to mind a Benihana chef having a seizure in the middle of preparing your Hibachi Chateaubriande.

The point is, you'll remember this one.  The Choppa City Juke just has a way of staying with you.

#3  Jared Odrick's Pee-Wee Shuffle Sack Dance

First of all, if you've never seen Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, go see it, then come back to this posting.  Seriously.  Go see it.  What's wrong with you, anyway? Who's never seen Pee-Wee's Big Adventure?

If you don't have the time to spare, just watch this:

That, dear reader, is the motherfucking Pee Wee Shuffle.  And it's one of the greatest impromptu dance numbers that's ever graced the silver screen.  Miami Dolphin defensive end and former Penn State product Jared Odrick personifies the courage, dexterity, and awesomeness that Pee-Wee exhibited in that dingy biker bar every time he sacks the opposing quarterback.  What this also shows, is that whether you are 90 pounds soaking wet, or 300 pounds of pure muscle, the Pee Wee Shuffle is never inappropriate.

#2 BJ Raji - Teach Me How To Raji

Yes, I know that it's been real played out with that State Farm commercial.  That commercial bothers me for a couple of reasons, actually.......like, why don't they ever let the cheesehead guy come inside? How are we supposed to believe that there is ANYBODY in the entire state of Wisconsin who wouldn't recognize Aaron Rogers?  Where can I hear more from that female r&b singer who's "Show Me What You Got Raji" song was loaded and ready to play as soon as Rogers came in bellyaching about his "Look At My Belt" dance being blatantly lifted by State Farm?

                                                               Et tu, Raji?                                            

Alas, those are questions for another entry.  Right now we're talking about celebrations, and despite the fact that StateFarm has beaten the joke to death, when Raji actually busted out the wiggle after his unexpected pick 6 in the NFC Championship game against Chicago the whole world stopped.

Furthermore I'll be damned if some asshole insurance agency ad campaign is going to get me to forget how awesome it was that a 337 pound defensive tackle a.) intercepted a pass b.) ran it back for a touchdown (albeit not very far) and c.) busted a move like a DT scoring on a pick 6 was the most natural thing in the world.

 Enjoy:

#1  Antonio Brown - The Bennie Biggle Wiggle

First of all, I'm not entirely sure that Antonio Brown's interpretation of the "Bennie Biggle Wiggle" is completely correct.  While in the PA Teezy video there's more of a rhythmic step involved with the arms wrapping around, Brown swings his arms below his thighs as though to imply that he has enormous, swaying testicles.

But I'm getting ahead of myself here.

Miami club hero PA Teezy is one of those rapper/producers who everybody knows in the south, but not that many people know outside of the south. That is, until Pittsburgh Steelers 6th round pick out of Central Michigan Antonio Brown cracked the depth chart and started catching touchdown passes.

Now step, step and bounce, and bounce.

Now, I saw the dance before I heard the song, when Brown caught a TD against the Patriots last season.  And I immediately thought "WTF is that guy doing?" but much like the Choppa City Juke I just couldn't look away.  After a bit of research online I found the PA Teezy song and video, and I think that while my route of discovery of this magical dance move did end up working out, it really helps to get some context first.

Yeah the video is kinda stupid.  Guy with shitty job falls asleep and has a dream that the school marching band and a bunch of people from his neighborhood like his song.  Not a terrible dream, but I mean if you're gonna dream, dream big, right?  I have more questions about the Bennie Biggle Wiggle video, but it doesn't matter, the point is that this song is really catchy, and the dance is also oddly addicting.  

With that being said, here it is, the #1 recent NFL celebration, Antonio Brown's Bennie Biggle Wiggle.  The clear winner of a crowded top 5. 

                                       

The Andover High Hazing Incident - Sports Saturday W/Chris Arcand

From the December 3rd edition of Sports Saturday w/Chris Arcand. Chris and Joe discuss the hazing incident at Andover High.

Top 5 NFL Network Commercials

There is an ad on TV right now for the NFL Network where this guy is rolling from room to room on a desk chair while scanning his IPAD for NFL news and highlights until he rolls into his living room and watches football on his TV. As the camera pans out you see that each room is a square in a giant calendar which looks like it could have been a setpiece for Hollywood Squares. I can't find the video for it online anywhere but when I do I will update it, if you watch football, you've probably seen it. As the camera pans along the big live-in calendar this song plays:

It's an excellent ad, and it made me realize that NFL Network is basically a hit factory of advertising.

I am kind of obsessed with commercials. I work in production so it's true that you think about these things differently when it's part of your job but I have to say, the NFL ad people churn out consistently awesome and memorable commercials every year. Their music choices and editing are always impeccable. Here are some of my favorites.

5.)

"Being Rich Doesn't Suck"

I've never met Rich Eisen, but he's one of those guys you feel like you know when you see him on TV. In this ad, he is feeding footballs into a passing maching while Torry Holt makes wacky catches in the distance, sitting in a tub next to LT who is in another tub (which sorta makes it look like a Cialis commercial) appraising jewelry with Deuce McAllister and various other frivolous football related activities. Meanwhile Traffic's "Dear Mr. Fantasy" blares in the background. Great song, perfect pacing with the cuts and use of slo-mo. Eisen still hosts NFL Total Access and is an omnipresent figure on NFL Network. No coincidence that the partnership has turned out to be very lucrative for both sides.

4.)

"Back To Football"

Alright so "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes was a monster last year. It was everywhere. You couldn't get away from it. It got old eventually (the tipping point for me was that viral video of that guy and his daughter singing it to each other, spare me) but this ad was awesome. Leave it to NFL Network to seamlessly blend a hipster anthem in with the camaraderie and excitement of just going from your house to a football arena to create a pretty touching 30 seconds.

3.)

"Matt and Trey"

No music, no clever editing. Just Trey Parker and Matt Stone (fellow U of Colorado alumni) talking about how the Broncos were unable to win a Super Bowl until South Park came along. Just a couple of disgustingly rich football fans talking about their favorite team. If you watch South Park you can tell that Trey and Matt are bigtime football fans, (the Japanese warriors slaughtering the Miami Dolphins, the Bill BEEEEEEL-ichick episode, in the first season the kids all played football for their school etc.) and Trey's "Go Broncos" along with the thrusting of his giant foam finger is completely sincere and a reminder that even though you might be really busy creating a tv show, movies, songs, and Broadway musicals, on Sunday priorities shift dramatically.

2.)

"Time To Get Your Story Straight" - Series

Every year NFL Network makes a new ad like this, it's a pretty simple concept, yet so brilliant. It's just a smattering of NFL personalities and fans espousing their ill-fated preseason predictions on unsuspecting dentists, grocery store checkout clerks, fellow bar patrons, and dinner guests. It encapsulates the optimism and pride that comes every pre-season, and eventually dissipates for fans of most teams. These ads are very clever, and since there's a new one each year they never get old. They are a close second to number 1

1.)

"Tomorrow"

This is one of my favorite commercials of all time. It debuted during the 2004 Super Bowl and they made a follow up version the next year which was good but the original was the best. Jerry Jones singing to Bill Parcells, Warren Sapp's golfing attire, T.O. in the grocery store, it's just fantastic. And as Jerry Jones busts out into his crazy backflip routine at the end the words "As Of Tomorrow, We're All Undefeated Again", appear on screen to hold us over until training camp. Undefeated indeed, NFL Network, undefeated indeed.

So there it is, my dweebiest blog entry yet. Hope you enjoyed it.

Brandon Meriweather: We Hardly Knew Ye

In a surprise move to some, the Patriots released two-time Pro Bowl safety Brandon Meriweather this week in their final round of cuts. Meriweather's play at safety was always a point of contention among Pats fans, and both sides have a pretty good argument. On the one hand, Meriweather gets results. He hits hard and can read QB's well enough to make picks. His presence in a backfield can cause quarterbacks and receivers to totally change their game plan. The problem is, Brandon Meriweather is a gambler. Belichick's defense, especially in the backfield, doesn't allow for a whole lot of gambles. For every positive Meriweather brought to the defense you can argue a negative right back and both people engaged in the argument would be totally right.

In other words, Brandon "Big Bang Clock" Meriweather is a complete and utter enigma.

Horrible Bosses

I am really the last person in the world who should write a movie review. I absolutely suck at getting to the movie theater. I watch movies when they're on TV but in the past two or three years I have really been a terrible movie-goer. The last three movies I've seen in theaters were "No Strings Attached" (on a first date, not my idea) "Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes" (which had me fist-pumping in the theater like I was DJ Pauly D at the end when the gorilla jumped onto the helicopter. Quality flick, not perfect, but enjoyable.) and "Horrible Bosses", starring Jason Sudekis, Jason Bateman, and Portsmouth Abbey alumnus Charlie Day.

I am a huge fan of Arrested Development and Always Sunny so I was excited for this one, I rarely ever make it to the theater, so when I go and it's a movie I actually want to see I get real pumped up for it. Overall, I was disappointed with it because Jason Bateman basically just played Michael Bluth, Charlie Day played a slightly more grown-up Charlie from Always Sunny (and not nearly as disgusting) and we were supposed to believe that Jason Sudekis is a slick talking pickup artist. I think Sudekis is funny on SNL but he was basically the Bradley Cooper of this movie and Jason Sudekis is Jason Sudekis and not Bradley Cooper. He didn't work for me. I'll watch Bateman and Day in anything and they were both pretty good. They didn't show a whole lot of range in their performances but I'm sure that wasn't the intent. Kevin Spacey and Jennifer Aniston were so over the top ridiculous in their roles (and both pretty hilarious, to be fair) that Colin Farrel's portrayal of a balding cokehead was really the only actual performance that stood out to me.

There is a scene where Kevin Spacey (Jason Bateman's boss) is about to award a promotion to an employee at the company, a promotion that Bateman just so happens to be gunning for, does this sound familiar? He makes a long, drawn out speech then boom, no promotion for Michael. Here come the Security and Exchange Commision, (they have boats?) la-dee-da. Later, Charlie and Bateman accidentally do a pretty decent chunk of cocaine, which was funny, but about the 8 billionth time 'accidentally ingesting drugs' was used as a comedic plot device in cinema history. There really wasn't too much in the way of originality until the end which actually had me thinking that something really surprising was going to happen (spoiler alert: it didn't) but aside from that it was Charlie Day, Michael Bluth, and sorta Bradley Cooper all plotting to take down three versions of the exact same character. Even Jamie Foxx as "Over-The-Top-Black-Guy" was funny but just nothing new.

I kinda hate that I enjoyed Horrible Bosses as much as I did. There were a lot of very funny moments. All I have to do is think about Charlie in the car rocking out to "That's Not My Name" by the Ting-Tings and I start laughing no matter where I am. It just happened right now as I typed that actually. That scene was so funny that I actually went home and watched Youtube clips that someone who pirate-taped the movie put up. Charlie is awesome. Bateman playing Michael Bluth again was slightly less awesome(how's that Arrested Development movie coming along???) , but the gags just weren't that original, and Sudekis getting laid left and right just didn't sit right with me.

In the end, I liked it. I laughed a lot, which is why I paid the 12 bucks in the first place. I didn't want to think, I wanted to laugh. I just didn't like that two actors whose work I enjoy a great deal had to play their signature roles like that. I would have liked to see them act a little bit.

Genuine laughs, but nothing special. Although I do hope Charlie keeps getting movies. If you're an Always Sunny fan it is pretty outstanding how Charlie is getting movie roles while Dennis and Mac are just chillin' at Patty's. Oh yeah, and Mac got super fat for this next season. Awesome.

When does Mac's movie come out?

Check out Horrible Bosses, it's not great but it's funny and if you're not looking for much more

than some laughs it hits the spot.

Also, keep in mind, that I am literally the last person on earth that should write about movies. The last. On earth. Planet of the Apes and No Strings Attached. Seriously. I don't know why I thought this was a good idea. Back to sports next week. Promise.

-Judge

How To Talk To A Yankee Fan

My Favorite Websites

I figured I'd take this time today to big up some of my favorite online scribes and entertainers. Most of these guys and gals are pretty big-time at least by internet standards but I figured exposure never hurts so here are a few of my favorite websites, and why I like them:

The Dugout

The Dugout is a series of fictitious chatroom transcripts between major league baseball players. Yep. I'm a giant, monumental dork. And I don't care. I love this fucking website. The pictures, the usernames, the accents, pretty much everything about it is totally hilarious. The Dugout started off as a column on Progressive Boink made to look like a Peter Gammons ESPN.Com piece. The AOL chat log was a small part of the column but got such good feedback that it became a regular thing. It got so big that it had it's own URL "WordUpThome.com" which is the fictitious version of Jim Thome's screen name.

Three guys used to write it but now I think it's just two. It's pretty hard to describe why I like this so much, it's about as niche as niche can get but the fact that it's so over the top and offensive makes it must-read status for me.

There's one where Craig Biggio is getting hazed as the newest member of the 3,000 hit club and Ty Cobb takes it way too far and shoots him. Manny Ramirez and Jonathan Papelbon are pretty much 6 year olds who constantly want to play spies. The real stars of the show, however, are Kyle Farnsworth and Jim Thome, the former, a dim-witted, death-metal lovin' pyschopath who calls people by incorrect racial slurs and the latter a cherubic doofus with a heart of gold who always types in all caps and always hits "enter" before he's done typing. There is also a LadyCop who is constantly tormented by law-breaking ball players. Oh, and Dmitri Young. Holy shit, you gotta read the Dmitri Young dugouts, they are epic.

Snacks And Shit

Snacks And Shit is a blog that makes fun of weird rap lyrics. It's name is from the Jay-Z song "Hey Papi" in which Jay-Z declares that he and the young women he brought to One Trump Plaza did not order room service but instead opted for snacks, and shit.

Originally the blog was updated by an LA based comedian named Chris D'Elia who has since gone on to have a standup special on Comedy Central and was a regular character on the TBS show Glory Daze and a writer named Chris Macho who was in a Wheat Thins commercial where Wheat Thins encouraged people to follow him on Twitter.

Not every single entry is a home run but there is never a lack of material for these guys because there are just so many ridiculous rap lyrics. A lot of times it's weird slang that these guys gravitate towards which makes for some great material in the comment section where there is inevitably some e-thug explaining how when Jeezy calls himself a Snowman it's because he has lots of "ice" and also deals lots of "cocaine" and us criggady-crackas are too white too get it.

The Nostalgia Critic

The Nostalgia Critic is a guy named Doug who basically reviews things that people my age and a little younger used to watch when we were kids. From Saved By The Bell to Drop Dead Fred and Animaniacs and just about everything in between. This guy's work ethic is incredible. He puts out a new video every single week and they're consistently funny and creative. He does top 11 lists (to go one step beyond) and compares old movies with more modern remakes. He is very insightful and you can tell he really cares about this stuff he's reviewing. The editing is also incredible considering he churns these vids out once a week.

I've seen all of his videos and for some reason the one bit that made me laugh the hardest is in his review of Judge Dredd where Stallone and the dirty cop are screaming "LAW!!!!!!" at each other and the Critic busts into song, kinda hard to describe on the page so you'll just have to see for yourself : Judge Dredd Review .

I could write a lot more about the Nostalgia Critic but the guy is making a ton of money off his website and doesn't really need my help. That being said, I'm now moving on to a guy that is also very true of:

The Angry Nintendo Nerd

I know, I know, he's the "Angry Video Game Nerd" now but I don't care. When I first discovered this guy he was the Angry Nintendo Nerd and his videos were (and still are) fucking hilarious. He basically would find the worst NES games ever, play them, and then totally freak out about how much they sucked. This guy knows his stuff, too. He doesn't get too technical and alienate casual gamers or former NES-addicts that stopped playing video games when they got older, he manages to appeal to everyone.

His delivery is excellent and while he's not quite the showman that the Nostaliga Critic is he perfectly captures the early 90s frustration that went into renting a nintendo game for the weekend and having it totally suck. I rented Back To The Future, I rented Fester's Quest. We didn't have a Blockbuster in my town, we had a fucking VideoSmith and kids would rent all the good games and keep them pretty much forever. It was a different time, to say the least, and The Nerd brings me back to it every time he appears on my screen ranting and raving about how the Ninja Turtles shouldn't die when they fall in water because they are FUCKING TURTLES.

A valid point, indeed.

So there it is, none of this stuff is real high brow or anything but these guys all make me laugh and that's what the internet should really be all about. Clicking and laughing. Again, none of these guys are exactly unknowns they all have profitable websites that get a lot of traffic but they get all that attention for a reason and I enjoy their work a great deal.

Hope you enjoyed this little tour of my Bookmarks.

-Judge