Brandon Meriweather: We Hardly Knew Ye

In a surprise move to some, the Patriots released two-time Pro Bowl safety Brandon Meriweather this week in their final round of cuts. Meriweather's play at safety was always a point of contention among Pats fans, and both sides have a pretty good argument. On the one hand, Meriweather gets results. He hits hard and can read QB's well enough to make picks. His presence in a backfield can cause quarterbacks and receivers to totally change their game plan. The problem is, Brandon Meriweather is a gambler. Belichick's defense, especially in the backfield, doesn't allow for a whole lot of gambles. For every positive Meriweather brought to the defense you can argue a negative right back and both people engaged in the argument would be totally right.

In other words, Brandon "Big Bang Clock" Meriweather is a complete and utter enigma.

Horrible Bosses

I am really the last person in the world who should write a movie review. I absolutely suck at getting to the movie theater. I watch movies when they're on TV but in the past two or three years I have really been a terrible movie-goer. The last three movies I've seen in theaters were "No Strings Attached" (on a first date, not my idea) "Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes" (which had me fist-pumping in the theater like I was DJ Pauly D at the end when the gorilla jumped onto the helicopter. Quality flick, not perfect, but enjoyable.) and "Horrible Bosses", starring Jason Sudekis, Jason Bateman, and Portsmouth Abbey alumnus Charlie Day.

I am a huge fan of Arrested Development and Always Sunny so I was excited for this one, I rarely ever make it to the theater, so when I go and it's a movie I actually want to see I get real pumped up for it. Overall, I was disappointed with it because Jason Bateman basically just played Michael Bluth, Charlie Day played a slightly more grown-up Charlie from Always Sunny (and not nearly as disgusting) and we were supposed to believe that Jason Sudekis is a slick talking pickup artist. I think Sudekis is funny on SNL but he was basically the Bradley Cooper of this movie and Jason Sudekis is Jason Sudekis and not Bradley Cooper. He didn't work for me. I'll watch Bateman and Day in anything and they were both pretty good. They didn't show a whole lot of range in their performances but I'm sure that wasn't the intent. Kevin Spacey and Jennifer Aniston were so over the top ridiculous in their roles (and both pretty hilarious, to be fair) that Colin Farrel's portrayal of a balding cokehead was really the only actual performance that stood out to me.

There is a scene where Kevin Spacey (Jason Bateman's boss) is about to award a promotion to an employee at the company, a promotion that Bateman just so happens to be gunning for, does this sound familiar? He makes a long, drawn out speech then boom, no promotion for Michael. Here come the Security and Exchange Commision, (they have boats?) la-dee-da. Later, Charlie and Bateman accidentally do a pretty decent chunk of cocaine, which was funny, but about the 8 billionth time 'accidentally ingesting drugs' was used as a comedic plot device in cinema history. There really wasn't too much in the way of originality until the end which actually had me thinking that something really surprising was going to happen (spoiler alert: it didn't) but aside from that it was Charlie Day, Michael Bluth, and sorta Bradley Cooper all plotting to take down three versions of the exact same character. Even Jamie Foxx as "Over-The-Top-Black-Guy" was funny but just nothing new.

I kinda hate that I enjoyed Horrible Bosses as much as I did. There were a lot of very funny moments. All I have to do is think about Charlie in the car rocking out to "That's Not My Name" by the Ting-Tings and I start laughing no matter where I am. It just happened right now as I typed that actually. That scene was so funny that I actually went home and watched Youtube clips that someone who pirate-taped the movie put up. Charlie is awesome. Bateman playing Michael Bluth again was slightly less awesome(how's that Arrested Development movie coming along???) , but the gags just weren't that original, and Sudekis getting laid left and right just didn't sit right with me.

In the end, I liked it. I laughed a lot, which is why I paid the 12 bucks in the first place. I didn't want to think, I wanted to laugh. I just didn't like that two actors whose work I enjoy a great deal had to play their signature roles like that. I would have liked to see them act a little bit.

Genuine laughs, but nothing special. Although I do hope Charlie keeps getting movies. If you're an Always Sunny fan it is pretty outstanding how Charlie is getting movie roles while Dennis and Mac are just chillin' at Patty's. Oh yeah, and Mac got super fat for this next season. Awesome.

When does Mac's movie come out?

Check out Horrible Bosses, it's not great but it's funny and if you're not looking for much more

than some laughs it hits the spot.

Also, keep in mind, that I am literally the last person on earth that should write about movies. The last. On earth. Planet of the Apes and No Strings Attached. Seriously. I don't know why I thought this was a good idea. Back to sports next week. Promise.

-Judge

How To Talk To A Yankee Fan

My Favorite Websites

I figured I'd take this time today to big up some of my favorite online scribes and entertainers. Most of these guys and gals are pretty big-time at least by internet standards but I figured exposure never hurts so here are a few of my favorite websites, and why I like them:

The Dugout

The Dugout is a series of fictitious chatroom transcripts between major league baseball players. Yep. I'm a giant, monumental dork. And I don't care. I love this fucking website. The pictures, the usernames, the accents, pretty much everything about it is totally hilarious. The Dugout started off as a column on Progressive Boink made to look like a Peter Gammons ESPN.Com piece. The AOL chat log was a small part of the column but got such good feedback that it became a regular thing. It got so big that it had it's own URL "WordUpThome.com" which is the fictitious version of Jim Thome's screen name.

Three guys used to write it but now I think it's just two. It's pretty hard to describe why I like this so much, it's about as niche as niche can get but the fact that it's so over the top and offensive makes it must-read status for me.

There's one where Craig Biggio is getting hazed as the newest member of the 3,000 hit club and Ty Cobb takes it way too far and shoots him. Manny Ramirez and Jonathan Papelbon are pretty much 6 year olds who constantly want to play spies. The real stars of the show, however, are Kyle Farnsworth and Jim Thome, the former, a dim-witted, death-metal lovin' pyschopath who calls people by incorrect racial slurs and the latter a cherubic doofus with a heart of gold who always types in all caps and always hits "enter" before he's done typing. There is also a LadyCop who is constantly tormented by law-breaking ball players. Oh, and Dmitri Young. Holy shit, you gotta read the Dmitri Young dugouts, they are epic.

Snacks And Shit

Snacks And Shit is a blog that makes fun of weird rap lyrics. It's name is from the Jay-Z song "Hey Papi" in which Jay-Z declares that he and the young women he brought to One Trump Plaza did not order room service but instead opted for snacks, and shit.

Originally the blog was updated by an LA based comedian named Chris D'Elia who has since gone on to have a standup special on Comedy Central and was a regular character on the TBS show Glory Daze and a writer named Chris Macho who was in a Wheat Thins commercial where Wheat Thins encouraged people to follow him on Twitter.

Not every single entry is a home run but there is never a lack of material for these guys because there are just so many ridiculous rap lyrics. A lot of times it's weird slang that these guys gravitate towards which makes for some great material in the comment section where there is inevitably some e-thug explaining how when Jeezy calls himself a Snowman it's because he has lots of "ice" and also deals lots of "cocaine" and us criggady-crackas are too white too get it.

The Nostalgia Critic

The Nostalgia Critic is a guy named Doug who basically reviews things that people my age and a little younger used to watch when we were kids. From Saved By The Bell to Drop Dead Fred and Animaniacs and just about everything in between. This guy's work ethic is incredible. He puts out a new video every single week and they're consistently funny and creative. He does top 11 lists (to go one step beyond) and compares old movies with more modern remakes. He is very insightful and you can tell he really cares about this stuff he's reviewing. The editing is also incredible considering he churns these vids out once a week.

I've seen all of his videos and for some reason the one bit that made me laugh the hardest is in his review of Judge Dredd where Stallone and the dirty cop are screaming "LAW!!!!!!" at each other and the Critic busts into song, kinda hard to describe on the page so you'll just have to see for yourself : Judge Dredd Review .

I could write a lot more about the Nostalgia Critic but the guy is making a ton of money off his website and doesn't really need my help. That being said, I'm now moving on to a guy that is also very true of:

The Angry Nintendo Nerd

I know, I know, he's the "Angry Video Game Nerd" now but I don't care. When I first discovered this guy he was the Angry Nintendo Nerd and his videos were (and still are) fucking hilarious. He basically would find the worst NES games ever, play them, and then totally freak out about how much they sucked. This guy knows his stuff, too. He doesn't get too technical and alienate casual gamers or former NES-addicts that stopped playing video games when they got older, he manages to appeal to everyone.

His delivery is excellent and while he's not quite the showman that the Nostaliga Critic is he perfectly captures the early 90s frustration that went into renting a nintendo game for the weekend and having it totally suck. I rented Back To The Future, I rented Fester's Quest. We didn't have a Blockbuster in my town, we had a fucking VideoSmith and kids would rent all the good games and keep them pretty much forever. It was a different time, to say the least, and The Nerd brings me back to it every time he appears on my screen ranting and raving about how the Ninja Turtles shouldn't die when they fall in water because they are FUCKING TURTLES.

A valid point, indeed.

So there it is, none of this stuff is real high brow or anything but these guys all make me laugh and that's what the internet should really be all about. Clicking and laughing. Again, none of these guys are exactly unknowns they all have profitable websites that get a lot of traffic but they get all that attention for a reason and I enjoy their work a great deal.

Hope you enjoyed this little tour of my Bookmarks.

-Judge

Patriots Trade For Haynesworth, Release Stroud

-Chris Arcand (email Chris Arcand at CArcand@BostonSportsRadio.net)

In a pre-season stunner, the New England Patriots have acquired DT Albert Haynesworth from the Washington Redskins for a 2013 5th-round pick.

Haynesworth, a two-time Pro Bowler and one time Sporting News Defensive Player Of The Year, signed a 7-year 100 million dollar contract with the Washington Redskins in February of 2009. In 2010, Haynesworth was benched and then suspended by coach Mike Shanahan midway through the season for "conduct detrimental to the team", Haynesworth finished the 2010 season with 13 tackles and 2.5 sacks in 8 games. Despite the large contract, Washington has already paid most of it, leaving the Pats with a tab of roughly 7 million dollars to cover for Haynesworth services.

Haynesworth is most notably remembered for an incident in a 2006 game against the Dallas Cowboys in which he removed the helmet of Dallas Center Andre Gurode and then, while wearing spiked cleats, stomped on Gurode's exposed head, narrowly missing his eye. Gurode required 30 stitches above and below his eye. Haynesworth apologized after the game. Haynesworth was also involved in a traffic accident that left a 25 year-old-man paralyzed when he collided with Haynesworth's Ferrari which was traveling over 100 mph.

Oh yeah, and last season he failed the Redskins preseason conditioning test. Twice. Two times.

In other words, Albert Haynesworth is coming to New England with more baggage than an Orvis outlet store.

This is not the first time the Patriots have set off on a reclamation project. Nor is it the first time they have set off on a venture like this with an extremely talented, extremely troubled player on a dead-end team. In 2003 they sent a 2nd rounder to Cincinatti for Corey Dillon who had a monster season and won himself a shiny new Super Bowl ring in 2004. In 2007 they sent a 4th round pick to Oakland for Randy Moss who went on to have one of the best offensive seasons in NFL history. This trade has all the markings of a classic New England reclamation triumph. Since the money owed is minimal, the Patriots hold all the leverage, and if Haynesworth decides he doesn't feel like letting the ice cream cone go he can be released with nary a whimper on the cap hit side of things.

This news today was followed by a breaking story that the Patriots have released fellow defensive lineman Marcus Stroud, citing the fact that Stroud was unable to report to camp on time due to a shoulder injury. The position battles at camp for the starting D-Line spots are going to be epic this preseason. Vince Wilfork and Haynesworth battling it out with the guys who still have something to prove like Brandon Deadrick and Mike Wright. Oh, and Ty Warren will be back this season, after missing all of 2010.

True to form, Bill Belichick did not address the Haynesworth signing during his morning press conference today, deflecting questions about Haynesworth like Captain America except instead of a patriotic shield Bill wielded his mighty "the deal is not yet done" rampart to keep the Boston media corps on the edge of their seats.

Part of me hates this deal because I hate Albert Haynesworth, both as a player and as a person. That being said, with Belichick's track record trading for angry, borderline psychotic former superstars, I have a feeling I will get over it soon enough.

Say Goodnight To The Bad Guys

Sorry, I know. It's been like a month. There's been a lot going on so let's just jump right into it:

MIAMI LOSES THE NBA FINALS

Yes, Miami lost. Some team from Texas won. Doesn't matter who, but it was the Dallas Mavericks, since you asked. A team led by a gigantic German sharpshooter and a 33 year old 6 foot shooting guard from Seattle. A team that faced Miami back in 2006 when the Heat were actually a team people liked. A team that will be remembered more as "The Team That Was Also On The Court When The Miami Heat Lost The 2011 NBA Finals" than "2011 NBA Champions", which is hilarious. The fact that the unholy trinity of "Bron-Bron", "DWade" and "Chris Bosh" was denied what seemed to be their birthright is such a bigger story that it's almost kind of sad.

After the game, Lebron addressed the haters who wanted to see him fail (ie, "everyone not from Miami") by saying the following:

"All the people that was rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today. They have the same personal problems they had today. I'm going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things that I want to do with me and my family and be happy with that."

He's got a point, too. All those people are indeed going to have to wake up this morning and have their same old lives. They will also wake up this morning with the same amount of championship rings as Lebron James.

Nice work, Dallas. Never thought I'd root for Jason Kidd. Nice to see the NBA go out on a high note before the labor situation takes center stage.

COME ON, BRUINS. JUST, COME ON.

You cannot let them win. The only team that deserves a championship trophy less than the Miami Heat are these Vancouver Canucks. They represent everything that is wrong with the NHL, and pro sports in general. They bite, they flop, they complain, they interfere with the goaltender. They're not tough, they're not honorable. They are literally the scum at the bottom of every used hockey sock ever worn. They are the reason that a majority of the country still does not take hockey seriously to the point where the postseason has been televised on a network that a lot of people still don't have. Who wants to watch a team like Vancouver play hockey? Who wants to watch a team like Vancouver do anything?

It's hard to really grasp how scummy and pathetic the Canucks are because they stand poised to win the Cup in Boston tonight. Which they won't, obviously. The Bruins humiliated Vancouver in Boston for games 3 and 4, blowing them out by a combined score of 12-1. Roberto Luongo who claims that goals Tim Thomas let in would be "easy saves" for him gave up a goal every 10 minutes in those two games. That's what is slowly but surely raising the Bruin fan psychosis threat level up to orange this morning.

The games in Vancouver have been nail-biters, which could have gone either way. The Bruins just happened to have lost all three of them. The two games in Boston were no-doubt-about-it beatdowns. The team with the B on their sweater has been so schizophrenic that their style of play in Vancouver has been barely recognizable when compared to their dominance at home. Going into this series the Bruins had been very strong on the road, going 5-3 against Tampa, Philly, and Montreal. After losing all 3 games in Vancouver their record now stands at 5-6. There is absolutely no sense to be made of it, either. Some key Bruins players are FROM Vancouver, so it's not like they're playing in China here, or some other ridiculous place that's never heard of hockey like say, Nashville.

So what is it? I'm stumped. All I know is that they CANNOT, they MUST not, and they WILL not let Alex Burrows hoist the Cup on the Garden ice tonight. They've come too far to allow such a grotesque spectacle of inhumanity to occur. Take a page from the Mavs book, and beat the team that everybody hates, please. It is waaaaaaaaaay too early for my summer to be ruined.

Go Bruins.

-Judge

The Window Closes

The Celtics window was only supposed to be three years.