All He Does Is Win

I didn't watch the Charlie Sheen 20/20 special. I didn't watch it for a couple of reasons.

#1

Absolutely no need to, because everybody I know and even a good chunk of people whom I do not know have been belting out Sheen's "greatest hits" all over the internet. It's like the "Borat-quoting" phenomenon on steroids. Balco steroids. The good stuff. I've seriously heard or read every single thing this man has said in public for the past 72 hours every time I look at my computer screen, phone, tv screen, or turn on my radio. I mean, seriously.

#2

I'm not all that into this Charlie Sheen thing. I'm just not. I realize I'm fighting an uphill battle here but I think this entire Charlie Sheen saga is pretty sad. It's either sad for us because he's doing a schtick and we're all falling for it or it's sad for him because he's got some serious issues dealing with his need to self-medicate which are likely tied into some sort of disorder that deals with an extreme of moods.

It's an extreme uphill battle I'm fighting because let's face it, Sheen is gold right now. It does not even matter who is putting the microphone under him he is just a blathering rapid-fire coke-jaw goldmine of comedic brilliance as he stands proudly upon his mountain of drugs with his nose in the air, defying all 21st century stereotypes of what a person with a crippling personality disorder and even more crippling drug addiction should look like.

I'm not into it because part of me really feels bad for the guy.

I don't like watching car wrecks. When I see a car crash on the side of the road I try not to look at it, I don't want to see a dead body that badly.

And with Sheen it's like he hasn't even crashed yet, it's like we're watching him snowmobile down Mount Everest with no breaks and are just waiting to see where his body ends up.

I'm not mad at people who are enjoying the Sheen because let's face it, this is a genuinely rare time in American pop culture. Charlie's out there, rolled up hundo in one hand and Bree Olson in the other, and we all have to deal with it.

I guess I've just seen things similar to this in the past, not too similar, because I mean, what in the hell could possibly be similar to Charlie Sheen over the past week? But similar in that I've been around people who exhibit self-destructive tendencies and fall into these addictions and it always ends horribly.

And for all the fanfare Sheen's been getting people seem to forget that he got arrested for trying to knife a hooker, then he got kicked off his incredibly successful and financially lucrative television program, and now he's in the midst of a media blitz in which everyone observing thinks he's a retarded lunatic who will be dead soon.

Some call it winning, I call it morose. Po-tay-to, Po-tah-to

-Judge